Too Much and Just Enough
by PhoebeSnow
Summary: AU. When neither Sara or Len can sleep, they have a touching heart-to-heart about their troubled pasts.
**Author's Note: This was originally supposed to be an addition to one of my previous Captain Canary fics, but after my muse ran away with me, I turned it into a stand-alone fic! This story is packed with feels! Enjoy~**

 **xxxXxxx**

Leonard was still not used to being in this temporal zone, and regardless of what Gideon or Rip told him, he was certain he would never **fully** get used to it, either. It had been a month since the time master recruited Leonard, Mick, Sara, Jax, Stein, Kendra and Ray to save the world from the likes of Randall Savage.

Now, Leonard had no problem kicking ass when needed, but he just could not get used to this damn temporal zone. It wasn't night or day there. The space was just...green. A kind of gangrenous color like the fluidic space in Star Trek: Voyager - yes, he was a closet Trekkie not that anyone would ever know.

Leonard always had a hard time sleeping in a new place, so his restlessness was not a surprise in the least. Since he couldn't sleep, he walked around the Waverider, whiskey bottle in hand, memorizing every area and compartment of the ship out of boredom. Sometimes he sat at the counter in the small kitchen, fiddling with his cold gun.

Leonard had to admit, he still wasn't sure if he truly was 'hero' material. For example, there were a lot that his teammates expected from him. Doing the right thing all the time, being the good guy. It was really stressful when he thought about it.

There were times at night when he looked up at the ceiling of the room he and Mick shared and wondered if he would last on this mission or if he would just snap and go rogue. Leonard knew there always had to be a balance between his dark and light side, but he normally reacted from his dark side.

The problem was that Leonard could feel himself actually **wanting** to do good things. When Rip first approached him about saving the world and stopping Savage, he knew he had to consider Mick with his decision. Still, before he had even decided what his answer would be, he knew Mick would be along for the ride no matter what. That wasn't the issue.

Leonard hadn't cared about anything else besides being a criminal. It was his specialty. He was good at it, so why bother trying to alter that? He had no plans to stop his criminal activities; he loved stealing from the rich and he **loved** money.

It was that damn Barry Allen who started this entire mess in the first place. The kid had hardly been a superhero a year, saving the citizens of Central City and stopping crime before he tried to make Leonard change his ways and turn him into his rescue project. At first, Len thought it was amusing that Barry wanted to help him and insisted that there was some good in him. It was laughable to think that Barry was such a good guy that he refused to give up on the most cold-hearted criminal in Central City.

The kid must have thought he was Luke Skywalker with all of his goofy smiles and ridiculous optimism.

Leonard hated that he let Barry get to him. He may have put up a front and agreed to stop killing people when he robbed them, but he secretly liked the challenge Barry gave him, so he decided to take him up on it. He could actually count the number of heists one one hand he and Mick had done where no one had been hurt or killed. It was like his mind knew that he was switching up his normal technique and automatically remembered how many murder-free heists he had participated in.

Years ago, Leonard would have been disgusted with himself - so would that bastard of a father he had, if he were still alive - but this Leonard was a changed man, a different man. You're never too old to learn something new about yourself, right? Well, Leonard was definitely in that category.

Every day, being a part of this group, this team, he found reason to hope and believe in what they were doing. Hell, he actually _liked_ being the good guy, and that was entirely out of character for him.

Of course, there were still moments when he stole occasionally. Being a hero was all well and good, but there had to be a thrill coming from somewhere, and Leonard was not ashamed to say that he still liked to steal, even though he did it sparingly, unless he had time to incorporate it into the team's mission.

Leonard took a long swig of his whiskey and stopped walking abruptly. He thought he heard someone singing and it sounded like a woman's voice. He walked in the direction of the sound and chuckled when he realized that he was outside of Sara Lance's room. Why was he not surprised? Lately, he had been thinking about the White Canary. Not that he had **feelings** for her or anything of the sort, but he could did like her spunk and her tough attitude. She was not a woman to be messed with. Leonard actually found himself drawn to her. He had a sense that they were kindred spirits, not to mention that she was the only person on this ship besides Mick that he could actually stand to talk to.

That soft voice flowed from behind the doors of Sara's room again. Her singing was too light so he couldn't hear it clearly. The words, although muffled, sounded very familiar. He had a feeling that he'd heard this song before...maybe as a child and he simply forgot about it. Leonard became curious about the song was that Sara was singing, so before he knew what he was doing, he found himself knocking on the door.

The singing stopped abruptly when Leonard's knuckles touched her door. The silence stretched on for a long moment before she called, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Sara." He didn't have to say his name; he knew that his voice was easily recognizable. Especially since he and Sara had spent a considerable amount of time together.

Leonard wasn't cocky but he suspected that Sara liked his company. They both kept the other amused and, quite possibly, sane in this group of geniuses and freak shows. They were the abnormal but ordinary outcasts on the team. Outcasts gotta stick together, right?

"Come in."

At her behest, Leonard went into Sara's room and pulled up a chair next to her bed where she sat. Her legs were crossed with her pillow between her arms. Once he sat down, she turned to her side and gave him a small smile. "You can't sleep either?"

"Nope, it's hard getting used to this temporal zone. I don't like it."

"Yeah, it's just green, like some kind of gross cafeteria jello. I hate it. The beds take a little getting used to. I'm not picky when it comes to mattresses, but these things are pretty thin. I wish I'd brought another blanket."

Leonard nodded and crossed his arms. "I agree. It is a little cold on this ship. You'd think that, being a timeship from the future, it would be warmer. Any idiot knows that it's cold in space."

Sara pursed her lips and smoothed a stray hair out of her face. "Definitely...so why were you standing outside my door?"

Leonard cocked his head to the side and put his feet up on the edge of the bed, making himself comfortable. "I wasn't doing it intentionally. But...I heard you singing a song that sounded familiar, so I wanted to find out what it was."

"...It was 'Cheer Up, Charlie'. You know from Willy Wonka-"

"And the Chocolate Factory. So that's what you were singing. Yeah, I know it well."

Sara opened her mouth in a surprised 'o'. "Wow. You know about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? I'm surprised."

"Why should you be? It came out in the seventies and I was born in the seventies. It was a big movie too."

"Well, yeah, but it was a musical. You, Leonard Snart, actually like a musical? Stop the presses."

They both laughed at Sara's lame joke.

Leonard looked at Sara with a cautious glint in his eyes. "I'm not a big fan of the movie, but it was pretty good for a kids' film back then. I really liked that song, though. Still do. I never saw it more than a handful of times, but I never forgot that song. It was my favourite part of the movie..."

Sara smiled and nodded slowly, watching the expressions on Leonard's face carefully as he spoke. Sara was an expert at reading faces and even though Leonard was incredibly hard to understand at times, she could see that 'Cheer Up Charlie' held sentimental value for him.

Several minutes of silence had passed before Sara spoke. "Len, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. We all have things that are too personal to share, and this isn't a therapy session."

Leonard scoffed and took a long swig of his whiskey. Once he swallowed, he gave Sara a wry grin. "Ah, what the hell. I'd sooner talk to you about this than any of our other teammates. It's fine..." The grin on his face the turned into a slight frown as he remembered those long ago thoughts.

"That song was the best part about Willy Wonka for me because it was Charlie's mother singing to him, trying to encourage him to be happy about who he was. I mean, the kid lived with his mom, his grandparents and great-grandparents. They all lived in a shitty house eating cabbage water - they both chuckled briefly at this - to survive, but he was still lucky to have their attention, their...affection."

Leonard focused his eyes on the wall as he spoke. It was hard for him to talk about this but he was determined to get it all out. Telling Sara about his past was cathartic and he could feel a little lighter, like a burden was lifting off of him after the things he had just told her. He took a deep breath and continued.

"The damn kid won an inheritance in the end, a lifetime supply of Wonka candy and Gene Wilder as a mentor, and those things weren't even impressive to me. All I could think about was how he was so _lucky_ to have a mother who actually gave a damn about him and tried to comfort him."

She was aware of the abuse Leonard had suffered as a child at the hands of his father. Such an unspeakable atrocity it was to abuse women and children. There was a slight pause and Sara chose this moment to speak. "Your mom never tried to comfort you?"

"No, she did. She always did, but she was scared of my dad. Her fear of him made her timid. He was a mean bastard and he beat us every time he was drunk. When he was sober, he wasn't as bad, but he was still a bastard. I would always try to defend my mom and my little sister, Lisa, from his rage. I took a lot of hits...and cuts. Then after it was all over and my sides were bruised and bloody, my mom would clean me up. Every time she would hum the tune to 'Cheer Up, Charlie'. I have no idea if it was intentional or not, but I never forgot that song. It stayed with me for a long time. When you were singing it earlier, you helped me remember what that song meant to me..."

Leonard set the bottle of whiskey down on the ground and fisted his hands by his sides. Even though his father was dead now, he still hated him for everything that he did to Leonard, Lisa and his mother. Sometimes he wished that he could steal the Waverider, go back in time and kill his father again. Not that it would make things better. He would always have the memory, the scars - many which would never heal - to prove his father's inhuman wrath.

As a result, he had turned off his emotions, done his best to keep from feeling anything for anyone. Emotional attachments were a hindrance that he simply didn't need. Still...Leonard felt like he could confess anything to Sara and she would not judge him. How could she not? She knew what it was like to sell her soul for a cause. She understood how choosing one bad road could unravel you and make you lose sight of your humanity.

Sara was the assassin, Leonard was the crook. They were the kind of people who were used to turning off their moral conscience when they needed to. They were violent, dangerous, deadly. That was the real reason Rip had recruited them. He knew that they had a particular set of skills. To steal, to kill, to maim. Regardless of how Rip tried to dissuade them and make them feel like they were valuable to the group, Leonard saw through his deception.

Sara held the pillow between her hand and tugged the corners. She wasn't the sharing type either but she found could relate to Leonard as well. They really were alike. She licked her lips and started speaking. "I first saw Willy Wonka when I was eight years old. I thought all of the candy was the best part; I was big on candy back then, but then again, what kid wasn't? I always hated how lucky Charlie was to have a family that didn't fight so much.

I used to think, _'Charlie may have just one parent, but at least doesn't have to worry about hearing his mom and his dad argue over his dad spending so much time at work and not enough time with his family. Everyone in his family gets along and they never fight. He really has it made.'_

"I know that's kind of empty by comparison to what you just told me but...that's what I thought at the time. And when my parents got divorced, my whole world was shattered. I swear, I must have watched Willy Wonka a million times after my parents broke up. And whenever I got to 'Cheer Up, Charlie', I'd just start bawling like a baby because I didn't have a mom around to help make dinner with or wash the dishes with or tease about her pda with dad. She was there one day and the next...the next, I had to go visit her in another city or call her to figure out when we could spend time together."

"The closeness that we had was gone. It was like we had to start over again. Any time dad would be brought up, she'd calmly ask how he was, as if she were afraid that I couldn't handle talking to her about a man that she had been married to for over fifteen years. It nearly drove me crazy.

Sometimes I just wanted to scream at her or shake her and tell her to get it together, to work things out with dad so we could be a family again. But, no matter how many times they both tried to reassure me and Laurel that we were still a family, we weren't. No one can be a family after a divorce..."

Sara hadn't even realized that she was crying until Leonard brushed a tear from her cheek. She blinked in mild surprise and looked at him with a sad smile. Her fingers grabbed ahold of his hand and squeezed it affectionately. "I've never told anyone that before...not even Laurel."

Leonard squeezed back and rubbed her palm with his thumb. Sara sighed and scooted closer to him, indulging herself in his ministrations. It said something special that they were so at ease with each other this way, "I'm honoured that you chose to confide in me," he said, voice barely above a whisper. "We really are a pair, aren't we? _The crook and the assassin_."

"Yeah..."

Sara gave Leonard a tiny smile before closing her eyes and curling her body up into a fetal position. For a while, Leonard just sat there, watching her chest rise and fall until her breathing became steady. He watched her until she fell asleep. When she did, he pulled his hand away, Leonard stood and pulled the covers up around Sara's waist. He then bent down and gave her a tender kiss on her forehead.

Leonard straightened, put the chair back in its original position and headed out of Sara's room. Before he left, he turned back to look at her, blonde hair spelled around her face, a peaceful expression on her features. She looked like an angel. A shining beacon in the darkness. He whispered, "Good night, Sara," and turned, walking out of her room and into the hallway.


End file.
